Tuesday, May 1, 2012

What I Didn't Know...

What I didn't know was that not only would my little men have dramatic entrances into this world...that they would also have to fight to stay alive. I never dreamed that I would ever go to bed one night not knowing if one of my loves would be there with me the next day and not in heaven. It never crossed my mind that other people would take care of my babies while I had to sit back and watch, but not savor the yearning in my soul to mother and care for my own children. I never thought I would be told no when asking...yes, there were times I had to ask to hold my own child...which is completely unnatural for a new mom to not cuddle with their new bundle of joy.

What I didn't know was that when I was able to bring my boys home from the NICU, what a long road it would be through therapy and doctors to help my boys develop in ways that comes naturally for healthy babies. I can handle easily my own health problems from the Preeclampsia, but when it happens to your children...it strikes your heart a much different way. I never knew that I wouldn't get to be a normal mom who creates play dates with friends so the kids can play while us moms get much needed "adult conversation time"...instead I spend my weeks at doctors appointments and therapies where my "adult conversation time" consists of me talking with nurses and doctors about the progress and/or hindrances of my child's development.

What I didn't know was that the normal amount of stress placed upon the marriage of new parents would intensify so greatly with sick children. That the valleys could cut so deep and create a steep hill for Daniel and I to climb together to get over.

What I didn't know is that through the adversity and uncertain situations, that God's presence would be made known stronger in my life than ever. That our creator would reveal himself through immense amounts of peace in my heart, providing comfort to know not to fear the outcome...no matter what He heals. As Daniel once said, "God provides healing...we just don't know whether it will be Max's physical healing or the healing of our hearts when he passes."

What I didn't know was that my boys would teach me how to fight with enormous amounts of perseverance and determination. How not to give up hope because our God is alive and working within His Kingdom.

What I didn't know was that after the rough spot in my marriage with Daniel after Kason's first year of life, that our union would strengthen through the hardest trial we would face...our journey with Max. These last 15 months have brought Daniel and I closer together than we have ever been. We have never opened up to one another as much as we do now...we have never strived so hard to serve each other and our sons as much as we do now...we have never tried to empower one another as much as we do now. While we have always had a great marriage these last 9 years, even through our valleys, I am thankful for the way God has revealed to us the strength of our love for one another through Him and how our marriage can be way more than we ever thought imaginable.

What I didn't know is that I would learn the lesson to never take anything for granted...each day, each smile, each I love you, even each struggle because they change who you are. I am forever grateful and in awe of God for saving our miracle babies and helping our family grow into one of love and laughter as we journey through life celebrating all the small things we didn't know!

*As you have read through The Clayton Crew's journey to overcome the obstacles Preeclampsia has thrown in our path, we would love for you to join us May 20th as we participate in the Preeclampsia Promise Walk to support all the families who have been affected by Preeclampsia. Follow the link below to register to walk with the Clayton Crew:
Or you can even donate a bit of spare change to further research and help educate new moms by following the link at the top of this page. Every amount is appreciated!


  1. Natalie, you are such an awesome mom and role model! I admire your strength and perserverance, and how you never fail to give God the glory.. no matter the situation! You are such an inspiration and I hope to one day be the kind of mom and wife your are to your sweet family! Love and miss you! (:

  2. Laura & I will be there! I had preeclampsia with her, but it was only 2 weeks before her due date. Reading your blog has made me realize how serious it could have been & how grateful I am that it was so close to her due date. Such a scary, unpredictable thing.